cdave | The tacheback party

My plans for last night were as complex as my plans ever are. Finish work. Head down to the 'ton, since I'd not made a first Thursday for ages. Then head out to the Tacheback party, in order to claim a cocktail and join the parade. And finally head back to the Cock to drink with the Joinees.

I never made it to the Cock. I had way too much fun at the Tacheback party.

The invite said registration closed at 8:00, so I turned up a 7:55, and got handed my cocktail and a voucher for another drink. I wasn't expecting my guest to turn up for a while so I wandered around, and talking to a couple of guys who stood out. They each had a giant inflatable pink furry ball harnessed to them. It turns out that last year they'd spent two weeksvisiting places whose name has reference to the male genitalia. Places like Bell End, Cocking, Willey, Ball, Knutsford, Peniston, etc. in order to raise money and awareness for testicular cancer. Awesome stuff. Just last week they'd been at Millwall playing penalty shoot outs at half-time against team mascots.

Then I saw from across the room that tache that was surely destined to win. So wandered of to congratulate him on his finely sculpted bit of daftness. He also grew a full beard for a week, then shaved into that. He said he's hated every minute of the last three weeks. We discussed how many '70s costumes were around over a couple of beers.

At that point I left to pick up my guest, and got back (another cocktail thrust into my willing hand) just as the were announcing the parade start! So I hurried down the stairs, and found I was at position 28 out of about 40. We had a monitor downstairs, so got to watch the first few participants entrances. Mostly they danced their way over to the judges and pointed out their moustaches. Seeing all these costumes and far fancier 'taches I knew I had to pull out all the stops.

So I reached into my man-bag to get out the graph explaining the democratic principles of my 'tache, and it wasn't there! Fortunatly I had a pen, paper, and some wool, so knocked up a quick duplicate.

Then one of the ushers said to number 27, that he should do the dance with the bent knees to match his Mexican 'tache. This was the start of my downfall. When he said he couldn't do it, I said that he shouldn't have to as the Cossack is Russian {ed: Ukrainian apparently}, but that I could. And hunkered down on the carpet and did. A bit. About three kicks from each leg before I got a bit wobbly and stood up.

So my turn arrived, and I flung my man-bag towards the exit, and cartwheeled majestically across the room, nearly falling over and taking out the judges. I point out my graph, and turn around to Cossak across the polished wooden floor. And promptly fall over. Landing on my keys, as I twist onto my back. Lay still for half a second. Twitch. Then get up and run off.

They announced the top ten in ascending numerical order, and really wanted one of the certificates. Mine was the last number they read out. I realised I'd be expected to top the Epic Flail. Erk.

So when the finalist parade came, I stood in line, trying to avoid bumping into the mankini next to me, thinking about what to do. I got to watch all the other contenders go up, take the mike, and forget to collect their certificate, and be dragged back. So I decided to actually explain the graph in detail. Then finish with a backwards roll, promptly forgetting my own certificate, running back, and nearly falling over again as I ran off with it.

There were some really great tales, costumes, and the like. One of the inflatable balls had sprung a leak to much hilarity. I thought I didn't have a hope really.

However they announced me as the runner up! Brilliantly ~~Leigh Francis~~ Keith Lemon had his back to where I was sitting when he called me up, so I got to surprise him.

I was quite pleased to have come second. In fact I think I prefer it, as my trophy says "A close shave" on it, which is puntastic.

The winner was indeed the brilliant bloke I'd been talking to earlier. He'd won a £250 tab, so shouted out that he was opening it up to everyone.

I got a couple of prizes myself, and a goodie bag, and ended up staying all evening, but this entry's long enough already, more about them later.